Me, Myself, and this blog

GND

Today I got nothing done. I had big plans but also no plans. That is, I had no plans for the day so I suspects that I’d get a lot of work done. That turned out not to be the case.

I slept in and then got up and made waffles for Tara and Ripley and then sat on the floor in Ripley’s room and played with him and his trains for a while and then went on a walk with them and got a drink from the new boba tea place around the corner (do not recommend) and then got some coffee from cog (do recommend) and then leisurely made our way back to the house and did more nothing. I planned to do things, I really did, but today ended up a fail.

And also a win.

Fiction

That wasn’t fiction. I was actually sitting in the waiting room while my car was getting some required maintenance and thinking about what to write about and feeling a bit blocked and at the same time just being amazed at the characters in the room so I thought I’d just write out the scene as I saw it right in front of me. I don’t know if anyone thought it was interesting or not, but I wrote it so whatever.

I actually can’t write fiction, or rather I don’t understand how to do it. I’ve done it a few times with a collaborator where they throw out an idea and I riff on it with them and that kind of works but just thinking of a story from scratch has never been something I’ve been able to wrap my head around. One of the greatest writing books I’ve ever read is Steven King’s “On Writing” and in it he talks about how he has no idea where a story is going when he begins to write. He just has an initial idea – A story about a girl who doesn’t get along with people at school, a story about an evil clown, etc and just starts writing. When I read that I just stared at the page in complete shock for hours I’m sure. I don’t know if the idea of outlines and structure was just too beaten into me as a kid, but I have a terrible time trying to write something if I don’t know where it’s headed. In fact, I’ll often think about a piece I need to write for a while until I figure out what the direction (at least) or conclusion (more ideal) and will only then start actually writing it. I need a roadmap. I need to limit my options I guess. If anything can happen at any time then I just sit there paralyzed not being able to decide which is the best direction or if I’ll take three steps and then realize I made the wrong one two steps ago. I just don’t have the confidence there I suppose.

Not that I wan’t it, I mean, it wouldn’t be bad to have it, but I’m not trying to be a fiction writer so not being confident in my fiction isn’t really a big problem. I find the real world to be just as fucked up and worthy of observation as anything else. I think that’s why the fiction that I’m drawn to is the stuff that is most plausible. The things you could actually see happening. Once something gets too far fetched I’m out. If I think “this could never happen” then the likelihood that I’ll go back and read more of that story are slim.

So I guess the lesson is if you want me to read your super far fetched fiction make it a very, very short story.

Transit

Dogenzaka, pre-snow

Making my way from Shibuya back to Atwater Village is time travel. It’s distorting and confusing and exhausting, but somehow it works. This is how my day played out, which isn’t too different than many of Japan->US travel days.

Saturday
7am Wake up, Shibuya.
7:30am shower, email, etc.. My original flight had been cancelled since it was on a 787 and they seem to have this “bursting into flames” problem, so United rebooked me on a new flight. I double check to make sure it’s confirmed and see they’ve assigned me a bulkhead seat which is nice because of the legroom but crappy because you can’t keep your carry on with you during take off and landing. Also no way to confirm at this late hour if they’ve processed my vegan meal on the new flight – Oh well.
8am Breakfast at hotel
9am Walk to train station and buy day-of Narita Express tickets, then back to the hotel to pack bags. Often I’ll buy round trip tickets from the airport when I arrive but if the JR office is closed when I arrive that isn’t possible.
10am Checkout of hotel, but leave bags at hotel desk. This trip, like many others, I have one small roller board suitcase and my backpack – everything fits in those two.
11am Last minute errands. Today that included helping Naim and Levi and Noa see a little of Tokyo besides the Safecast office. We walked through Shibuya to Tokyu Hands then up Cat Street making our way to Omote Sando for food.
12:30pm Lunch at Brown Rice Cafe
1:30pm Jump on the train back to Shibuya, then rush out to the hotel to pick up bags, then turn right around and go back to the train station to catch the 2:16pm NE’X to the airport.
2:16pm Get on the NE’X. Trains in Japan are on time to the second, so if you don’t get there early you miss it. I usually try and get to the platform 15 minutes early to be safe. Today I got there 3 minutes early, with elevated heart rate. The trip from Shibuya to Narita Airport is about an hour and a half.
3:47pm Arrive at NRT, get out of train station, return the WiFi hotspot I rented last week then make my way to the 4F departure floor where I’m lucky enough to have airline status that gets me an express line to pick up my boarding pass and then head to security. Laptop out, keep shoes on – That’s how they do it in Japan. No pornoscanners so no worries.
4:00pm Clear passport control and head to the airport lounge to get everything in order for the flight.
4:10pm Arrive at ANA/Star Alliance Gold lounge. This is a serious protip here- the United lounge at Narita is a piece of shit. They have no food, crappy drinks and barely a power outlet in the whole place. At the far end of the terminal is the ANA lounge and being Star Alliance Gold gets you into it – it’s a walk but it’s worth it. They have a noodle bar in the lounge, endless Inari sushi and CC Lemon on tap. As well as many other options. This lounge rocks, and usually it’s empty. Today it was packed and I had to stand for 10 minutes or so until a seat opened up. I get some food and catch my breath.
5:00pm Leave the lounge and head back to my gate. Lounge is near gate 47 and I’m flying out of 37, boarding is scheduled for 5:05 but today it’s delayed a little and everyone stands around WTFing until about 5:20.
5:20pm board the plane with first batch of folks. Head to the bulkhead seat and get settled.
5:25pm Dude sits down next to me and immediately starts chatting me up. Was I on that other cancelled flight too? Was LA my final destination? How long had I been in Japan? Business?
5:30pm Another dude shows up and has a boarding pass for the seat I’m in. I check mine and see that sometime between when I looked this morning and when I got to the airport I had been moved 2 rows back. YES! Dodged that bullet. I leave Mr. Chatty pants and go back to a totally empty row.
5:50pm I’m in the window seat and a guy sits down in the isle seat and immediately falls asleep. Flight crew announce all passengers are seated and we’re about to take off. Awesome, middle seat is empty.
6:25pm Take off!
6:45pm I confirm that United fucked up my meal request and they only have beef or salmon to offer me. I’m annoyed but I should have known and I kick myself for not grabbing some snacks earlier in the day.

The next 9 hours are a blur of short naps, light reading and watching movies I’ve already seen on the tiny screen built into the back of the seat in front of me. At some point I remember that I also have a few episodes of something on my laptop and pull that out, a much more rewarding experience.

Saturday
10:29am land at LAX. Yes, I’ve just landed about 8 hours earlier than I took off on the same day. Time travel!
10:45am get to the gate and get off the plane
10:55am skip the customs line and head to the Global Entry kiosk and scan my passport, then hand the print out to the CBP dude. Get waved through.
11:05 jump in an Uber Taxi outside the airport and head home
11:29 Arrive home. Possibly a new record time.

I spend the next few hours playing with Ripley and telling him I missed him, then he says he’s tired and I am too so we snuggle up and take a nap.

6pm wake up, think about how long the day has been. Welcome Tara home from work, wrangle up some food, hang on the couch with the family for a while.
9pm The family crashes, I try to catch up on some work that I might have missed during the epicly long day I just had.
11:00pm Remember I need to blog today and tell this story. Then head to sleep.

Return

Bird, Shibuya

I’m flying back to Los Angeles tomorrow (though not on the 787 I was initially booked on thanks to the whole “bursting into flames” thing). I haven’t wanted to go home this much in a very long time. I’ve been away for almost 2 months at this point with the exception of a few stop overs to do laundry and change luggage for climate appropriate garb and then off to my next destination. Especially difficult was the drastic change of being with Tara and Ripley basically every waking hour of every day in December and then the moment we got home turning around and flying solo to Japan where I only get to see them for a few minutes a day via skype or facetime. I’ve missed my family. I’ve missed my home and my bed and my friends.

Ripley starts preschool shortly and his development has become super obvious to me during this trip, even though (or maybe because) my interaction with him has been sparse. Used to be that Tara would show him the video chat and he’d say hi and maybe blow kisses but generally just nod and smile. I haven’t been away from him for any stretch in 4 months or so, and this time he’s got lots to say. Telling me about his day, showing me stuff through the camera, telling me he misses me. I was not prepared for the grip this little guy has on my heart. So yeah, I’m looking forward to getting home soon.

That said, this trip was very productive. I’ve got a lot more to write about it in the coming days, but need to process my thoughts and notes first. Completely exhausting 20 hour days back to back, but really productive and beneficial for a number of reasons. I took a ton of photos as well, and have been posting them a few at a time on flickr in case you care to check those out. Almost 2am, so I’m calling it a night.

Fear

While I try not to anticipate the reaction anything I write will get, I can’t help but know that certain topics will attract the attention of certain people. Yesterday’s post about quitting your job for example, I have a group of friends who I’ve had this discussion with in person for a long time. Some who already knew it and some who had recently come to that same conclusion. It’s a challenging position on a challenging topic, but I knew these people would be supportive.

I hoped there would be some others who might have been thinking along those lines but had been to afraid to make a move and seeing a post like that might encourage them to make a change in their lives for the better.

I’ve talked about this topic before and I had an idea what reactions I might expect. The haters were new, though perhaps shouldn’t have been surprising. That post, like this one is about fear. It’s about identifying that fear, addressing it and pushing past it. That’s the ideal anyway, some people are afraid and rather than face that they lash out.

Some people think that quitting their job means they will be broke and then homeless and then starve. When I hear someone use that argument – and I’ve heard it a lot – what is really clear is that those people are afraid that they have no worth. They think they are lucky to have the job they have and if they walked away they’d never be able to get another job. Because they aren’t good enough. They are afraid. Some of them might be right. But this argument says more about the person making it than the opportunities available. And my point is that many opportunities don’t present themselves until you are in a position to take advantage of them.

Self worth is a huge piece of this, because if you think you have some value in this world, then you have to trust that someone else might agree you have value, and if someone else agrees you have value then you can always find a job because you are a valuable person. So if you leave one job, the possibility that you will never get another job isn’t even something to consider. You are trying to get a better job, and if you can’t, you can always get one just the one you already had. If you think you can’t get a job like the one you have now, then you think you aren’t worthy of the job you currently have.

Some people think it’s crazy to take a step until they know exactly where that step will land. I can’t agree. I think planning out every single step prevents you from taking chances, and if you don’t take chances then you can’t ever expect to have a chance work in your favor. Some people are afraid of taking chances. I can’t imagine living under that kind of fear. I just don’t think that lowly of myself.

Whoever you are, I think you can do something awesome. And I want your life to be awesome. That’s why I keep pushing. And I don’t plan on stopping.

Acceptance

Given how quick I am to judge everyone else around me you might think I’m more comfortable being judged myself. So might I, but as I’ve gotten older I have to admit that isn’t entire accurate. Or rather, I realize there is some grey area between what judgements I care about and those I don’t. I spent a large portion of my child hood being worried that everyone was judging me all the time, and then I realized that was a waste of time and the pendulum swung hard the other direction and I spent the rest of my formative years not giving a shit. Middle age has landed me somewhere in the middle.

It turns out that I walk a razor thin line between fear of rejection and not giving a crap. The truth is I’m still pretty indifferent about most people’s feelings about me. I’m fairly comfortable with the person I am and the choices I’ve made with regards to how I live my life. Because of that I generally feel that if a person doesn’t like something about me they are welcome to fuck right off. Seriously. Right off. And this is true for almost everyone I encounter on a daily basis. But not everyone.

There’s another group of people – a very small one mind you – who I’m constantly nervous that I’m going to offend. Or maybe offend is the wrong word, I know I’m going to offend everyone at some time so I’ve given up worrying about that. I’m constantly nervous that they will think less of me. This small group of people, these are the people I genuinely care about. These are the people that I love. The ones I’d be heart broken if they weren’t in my life anymore – so to some extent I guess I’m worried I’ll do something to push them away.

The result of all this is I think I’m much more guarded around people I know than those I don’t. I don’t care what people I don’t know think about me, but I totally care about the ones I do.

In thinking about that, I don’t think that’s unusual. To care about the opinions of people you care about. But when you step back a little bit it’s actually kind of weird. Look at this math: People I don’t know or causally know + don’t care what they think of me = confident // vs // People I care about + do care what they think about me = less confident

Do I tell some guy about to back into me that he has no idea how to drive a car? Sure. Do I tell my friend that her band is unoriginal and kinda sucks? Probably not. Do I tell my wife my every dirty, sexy and freaky desire? Of course not, like a normal person I keep that shit locked up and just hope she magically reads my mind.

Doesn’t it seem like maybe that should be reversed? Am I alone on this one? What causes this? Fear? Trust, or lack of it? If the situation was reversed wouldn’t I want the guy I was about to hit with my car to keep his damn mouth shut? Wouldn’t I want to trust that my friends would give me honest opinions about my band? Wouldn’t I be excited to learn I was married to some kind of dirty, sexy freak?

Like usual I don’t have the answers here, but it’s something I’m thinking about. I should more often put on a smiley face for strangers and be more honest and forthcoming with friends? The most honest and forth coming friends I have are generally considered dicks by most everyone else, because most people don’t want honesty. Yet I very much appreciate their candidness and openness. Hrm..