Communication & relationships

“So here I am, surrounded again by these people. These are wonderful people. These are some of the best people in the world. But they have no place in my life. I’ve always partitioned my friends. I’ve kept them in neat containers, and when I move on to a different phase of my life, I toss that container and everyone in it.” – Sid

An old friend wrote that as part of a larger note on Facebook a little while ago. It’s not as harsh at it sounds because he’s talking about how, mostly thanks to Facebook itself, he’s connecting with all these old friends who until recently had been all but forgotten. I’m one of the people he was talking about and I’m happy we’re back in touch. I’m also happy he wrote this because he got me thinking actively about something I have passively known for a long time.

I’ve always sucked at keeping in touch with people who are important to me. I think it started when I was a kid and my family would frequently pack up and move to a different city for one reason or another. When I was in elementary school I didn’t know how to contact someone in a different city so moving was akin to severing those relationships and I had to start over from scratch in the new town. As I got older communication got easier, but that idea that things and people from the past stay there kind of always stuck with me. It’s not that I’d avoid anyone, but lets just say that trying to stay in touch with anyone I don’t see or work with on a daily basis has never been one of my strong suits.

And I was OK with this. When I would run into these people again, especially the ones who were most important to me – close friends, old room mates, ex girlfriends – it was awesome. I was happy to see them and excited to hear what they’d been up to in their lives. I remember how important they were to me while keeping in mind that they are a slice of the past and easily put them back in their little containers once we’ve parted again. That’s how things used to work, and then came things like Facebook.

In Sid’s note he’s talking about the old #punk irc channel. I can’t even begin to add up the time I was on there between 1992 and 1995 or so. Endless hours spent talking to people all over the world about everything and nothing. Some of these people would have couches that I would end up sleeping on at one point or another, some I’ve still never met in person. Some went on to have families and kids and some of them ended up dead. These people were the world to me at one point in my life, and then, they weren’t. Sid had a hand in reconnecting many of us on Facebook and it has been awesome. Again I’m happy to reconnect and it’s amazing to see what everyone has done with their lives but something is different. I’m not just meeting them for coffee in a city I happen to be passing through, where we catch up and then go our separate ways, now we’re connected and can touch base every day if we want to.

And it’s not just old nerdy punks. In the past 6 months or so I’ve found or been found by people from any number of elementary schools I attended in cities all over the US. I’ve reconnected with my closest friends in the world, from highschool. I’ve commented on photos posted by people I dropped out of college with and virtually poked people who I used to work in a cube next to. It’s good. These are people who were important to me and there’s no reason they shouldn’t still be. But it’s not really that easy, and it’s actually a little scary. I thought I was the only one who felt this way but Sid ended his note echoing my own feelings:

“So where do these people fit in? How do I rebuild a relationship with fantastic people whom I now have no context for? I’ve never figured that out, and I’ve never had the courage to try. But this time I think I want to change that. I want to surround myself with these people again, I’ve just got to figure out how to do it.”

I’ve always said that my friends are the most important thing in the world to me and I’d do anything for them. But I think I haven’t actually fulfilled that as much as I would like to think I would, but that is something I want to get better at. But how do you bring these old friendships into line with new ones? Are they compatible? At one point I might have thought I only had so many cycles available and if they were all spoken for anyone who didn’t make the cut was left out, but now I think that’s kind of bullshit and I should be able to keep these important people from my past in my life somehow without it interfering with the important people of my present. I don’t think I have to sacrifice one for the other, in fact I probably never did but I let myself believe I had to.

Remember the other day when I was talking about a little dust up in the comments about bloggers and journalists? Yeah, it was from this post:

[update: all translations in the comments, thanks!!] I bought a vegan passport a few years ago and have used it traveling through various non-english speaking countries. Basically, it’s a paragraph about being vegan translated into a bajillion different languages – the idea being anywhere in the world you are you should be able to show it to someone at a restaurant and they should be able to bring you something vegan. This seems like a good idea, but I think the execution was a bit off.

The biggest problem is that the paragraph spends too much time talking about “ethics” and basically makes you sound like a pain in the ass, and that isn’t really very convincing. I’ve gotten mixed results using it and on more than one occasion gotten something of a “that’s dumb, no” reaction. I’ve had friends help edit some of the translations to get right to the point, but unfortunately I forgot it in Los Angeles and won’t be able to bring it on this trip. Because of that, I’m hoping some readers here can help me with something similar, but more effective. In efforts to avoid the ugly food poisoning like side effects of tainted food, I need the following text translated into French, German, and Dutch. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

“Hello. I have an allergy to animal products and can not eat any meat or dairy products. This includes items such as milk, butter, and eggs as well as any kind of chicken, beef, or fish stock in broth. Could you please suggest something from your menu which is free from these items.

I could become very sick if I eat the wrong thing, however I understand this might be an unusual request, and very much appreciate your help. Thank you.”

I know saying allergy instead of vegan might be cheating, but over the last 15 years I’ve found it to be much more effective for two main reasons. First of all, I’m not a flag waiver. I’m not trying to “spread the word” or change anyone’s mind, so what someone else calls it really makes no difference to me. I just want something to eat, and the less things standing in my way for that the better. Secondly, while 90% of the people I might ask this of are more than happy to comply, there’s also 10% which take offense to it for some reason. Those are the folks who think it’s funny to hide meat or cheese on a veggie sandwich (which is about as rude as spitting in someones food) with the added bonus of 24-48 hours of diarrhea and vomiting. Telling those kinds of people it’s an ethical choice gives them a reason to mess with you, telling them it’s medical and asking for their help generally brings positive results. Last year a restaurant in Berlin served me a veggie plate that I’m fairly certain they cooked in butter, and that evening and next day were extremely unfun.

So anyway, any help with those translations would be a life saver.