Me, Myself, and this blog

Motion and progress

misty wien

Wherein I write about those things I always write about as if trying to talk myself into something.

We’ve been in Vienna for almost a month now and yesterday Tara asked if I missed home yet, and the answer was something of a “sort of, kinda, some things maybe… not everything.” Me indecisive? Shocking I know. The truth is I miss my friends. I miss “my stuff” and “my bed.” I miss my neighborhood and knowing where I can pop out and get food at any point. I miss the comfort things, but there’s lots I don’t miss too, or rather, I haven’t thought about since I left, so I must not miss it that much. I miss my bike, though to be honest with myself I miss that when I’m home too as I haven’t been riding much at all.

I’ve written before about how longer term travel (that is, more than a few days) is an excellent way to assess your relationship with the things you have in your life. For example, I brought 1 jacket with me to Vienna. I knew it would be cold but I didn’t want to think about it so I brought my heaviest jacket only. Most days I’ve been a little warmer than I would have liked. Granted I’ve also had sweatshirts and things under the jacket, but putting things to use like this really lets you know what works and what dosen’t. I keep find myself wishing I had the one jacket that I had with me years ago on this trip, the one in my closet at home. And I keep finding myself thinking about the jacket that I threw out after I moved to Los Angeles from Chicago thinking “I’ll never need this again!”

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Locals Only

Ripley getting set up in First Class

Several years ago while giving a lecture at The Academy of Fine Arts Vienna, the professor hosting my talk astutely noted that everything I’ve been involved with – be it putting out records, putting on art shows, building blogs, etc – all seemed to have a strong desire to build a community, and observed that perhaps a lack of community, or belonging as a child may have led to a life trying to manufacture that community. This was an art professor, not a psycho analyst, but he was more right on then he realized.

I moved around a lot as a kid so I never had the “I’ve been here all my life” experience that many other kids had. I was always the new kid and I was always trying to find my place in a group of friends who had known each other for years before I’d shown up. I was constantly trying to prove my worth and value to that community, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. When I was old enough to realize there was a world outside of my immediate surroundings and that I could actually interact with that world, I realized that world had communities too and that I might find a place that I fit in. And when the internet became an option that got a lot easier. I learned that the first and best way to a add value to a community was to actually build it.

And I love the communities that I’ve been with, but on some level I’ve always been envious of the people who grew up somewhere and were a part of the local community because of that. I have a great amount of Los Angeles pride but I’ve lived there for only 12 years. That’s longer than I’ve lived in any other place, and longer than many people who move to LA, but still nothing compared to people who were born there. And while this may not have any basis in fact, no matter what I do in LA and how much I rep it I’ll always feel that I don’t have as much claim to the city as others.

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No one will give it to you, you have to take it

No pictures!

I wrote this rant to myself almost 3 years ago and I go back and read it far too often. I say that because if I was taking my own advice I wouldn’t have to keep reminding myself of these things. But I don’t because of excuses. The thing I loved about 750 words was the motivation to continue, and while I liked the social (positive) pressure while I was continuing, when I blew it I was way too depressed about it. I felt like, I’d already gone through all the trouble of climbing to the top of that tree, and then I’d fallen out, climbing back up had no appeal. And while I know I didn’t have to participate in those aspects, they were too attractive to ignore. I’ve just installed Good Habits on my iPhone which is a similar “don’t break the chain” motivator. It keeps track of the things you want to do everyday and lets you know how many days in a row you’ve done them. Encouraging you to make increasingly longer chains of successful accomplishment.

You don’t win by only doing the things that work, you win by doing things often enough that you learn from the loses, you learn from the failures, you learn by working your way through things and can grab the opportune moments when they show up. Nothing worse than missing an opportune moment.

I need more creativity in my life. I miss it. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I enjoy creating things and am making an effort to do more of that. It’s easy to not do things. I don’t want easy. I don’t want comfortable. I want to walk head first into the difficult, into the new. I’m evicting myself from my comfort zone. Expect to see more writing here as that journey progresses, but don’t expect it to make sense or be pretty.

In Circles

Note to self

Norm's bench

A few years ago after year that turned me upside down in a number of ways, I was invited by a friend to spend a few months in Vienna. A way to kind of get away from it all, while still being a part of it all. The experience was cathartic. If you were reading my blog at the time then you know all about it, and I’ll assume you were and not rehash it all again here. My time in Vienna helped me remember who I was and what was important to me. I left there with a different and I think wholly better perspective on my life and where I was at and where I was headed. I grew a lot over those months and in the years since then I’m always thought fondly of the city and the people that helped me wrap my head around so many things. I’ve visited often, and have quite the emotional connection to the place now.

Next week I’ll be heading back again, this time with my wife and son, and I’m so very excited to spend time with them in this place that is so important to me. I’m looking forward to what we’ll experience together there, without having any idea what that will be. I’m also hoping some of the inspiration that lit such a fire in my head, even just a spark, will help me figure out which next steps to take and how to take them.

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Committing myself

com·mit [kuh-mit] verb, com·mit·ted, com·mit·ting.
verb (used with object)
1. to give in trust or charge; consign.
2. to consign for preservation: to commit ideas to writing; to commit a poem to memory.
3. to pledge (oneself) to a position on an issue or question; express (one’s intention, feeling, etc.): Asked if he was a candidate, he refused to commit himself.
4. to bind or obligate, as by pledge or assurance; pledge: to commit oneself to a promise; to be committed to a course of action.

I have a problem with commitment. Not in relation to other people, I feel like I’m pretty good in that respect. I have a problem committing to myself.

The front page of my website makes a bit of a joke about how no one knows what I do. On one hand this is a manifestation of the reality that I do a lot of things and trying to concisely sum that up always proves difficult and awkward. I have a short attention span and have been accused of being a workaholic at several points in my life which results in having my hands in lots of seemingly unrelated things. Peeling back the layers a bit often reveals reoccurring themes so they aren’t all as unrelated as they seem, they just aren’t easy to quickly explain.

On the other hand, if I don’t make the commitment and say I’m doing ________, then I don’t have to think about how good or bad I am at _________. “I’m just dabbling” is a bulletproof excuse against accusations of not doing something well enough. Accusations from myself. I’m notoriously my own worst critic. Trust me, the reason I don’t give a shit what anyone else has to say about me or my work is because no matter how harsh it is, it’s nothing compared to what I’ve already said myself. That also makes it really hard to take a compliment, which may or may not be another issue all together. Some examples…

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Checking in on everyday

Waiting

A few months ago I wrote about things I wanted to do on a daily basis because they are important to me. In efforts to keep myself in check I thought I’d review that list again and see how I’m doing. I can tell you right that this isn’t going to be a positive review. I’m really, exceptionally good at distracting myself with random life things and messing up my plans. Which is in part why I kind of go overboard on the self structuring sometimes, without it who knows what kind of a disaster I’d be.

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