September 2008

You know what they say about that question, “if you have to ask…”

I was recently on a panel discussion, and at the last moment the moderator said that since he couldn’t find appropriate bios for everyone on the panel that he wouldn’t be introducing anyone, but instead asked each of us to spend a moment introducing ourselves to the audience. This is essentially the worst thing I can imagine happening in a situation like that because I hate talking about myself. Really, it’s one of my least favorite things in the world.

The other people sitting with me spent a good 60-90 seconds rattling off their merits and accomplishments and explaining to the audience why they had any business being there. When it was my turn I froze and I think I said something like “Hi, I’m Sean Bonner and I’m a blogger. I blog about a bunch of stuff.” and left it at that. Later on Tara asked what the thinking behind that introduction was and why I didn’t mention any number of things that might have wowed the audience. I didn’t have a good answer for that, I didn’t have an answer I would have been happy receiving anyway.

This is hard to explain and talk about because it doesn’t even make a lot of sense to me — it’s not like I want to lead some secret existence that no one knows about. Quite the opposite, I want to do things that everyone knows about, but I don’t want to be the one to tell them. In some respects I think if I have to tell people about who I am and what I’m doing then I’m not doing things as well as I should be and I’d be better served shutting up and working harder. I’m sure some of this stems from anytime I see someone talking about themselves I assume they are just patting themselves on the back, part of it is that the people I really admire I do so because of what I’ve seen them do and never what they’ve said they do, and some of it is certainly that I just don’t think I’ve done anything worth bragging about.

To make this even more confusing I’m actually embarrassed when I meet someone for the first time and they do know who I am or something that I’ve done. So what the fuck is my problem? I’m sure a lot of this is based on how put off I am when I see someone else talking about themselves and I never want to have someone make the assumptions about me that I do about those people. I guess to some extent I feel that I have two choices in these situations – give out too little info and let people find out the rest on their own if they are interested, or give out too much and be a boastful self promoting dick. I always opt for the prior and when pressed can’t determine what amount of self description would be appropriate.

Which brings me to the point of wondering what I’m even getting at with this post, assuming I eventually hit publish. It’s been sitting in my drafts folder for 3 days now, a drafts folder I created only three days ago and thus making this the longest time between when I’ve written something and not posted it right away. Maybe I’m over thinking this editing thing, and maybe I’m just really uncomfortable with this topic. Maybe both. I promise I’m not writing this to brag about how modest I am, which is what I feels like to me. It’s something on my head that I’m trying to work though. Maybe I’ll be able to, maybe not, but all I can do is try and somehow writing about it seems like a good first step.

I’m concluding this lovely Florida excursion with a multi-hour wait at Orlando International Airport. I’d be lying if I said it was anything but a giant pile of suck. Tara and I had different destinations and thus different flights, and hers flew out almost 3 hours before mine. I was planning to just hang out in the Admirals Club, except surprise! There isn’t one in here. Awesome. Anyway, she took off and I miss her like crazy already (sorry for that divergence into sappiness, won’t happy again) and I’ve got a few hours before I can board so I’m staring at this lovely scene pictured above and if you choose to keep reading, you’ll get the brunt of it.

Once again I’m swimming in thoughts and just have way too much I want to write about and process and think out. I had several super good talks with Merlin this weekend and his presentation at the conference titled ‘How To Blog‘ was really amazing. He’s advising against doing what I’m doing right here, just vomiting out ideas and thoughts but when I do this it’s really more for me than it is for you. I plan to rewatch his talk several times and really want to try to do a lot of what he’s suggesting. I do some of it already, but not to the extent that I want or the extent that I’m happy with.

And that’s really the trick of it, I want to be happy with it. I need to be, otherwise it’s not worth doing. Writing every day isn’t so much of a problem for me, neither is finding what to write about. Editing and holding back unfinished or less than top notch posts are much harder for me. I’ve been trying to blog every day and with the exception of traveling days I’ve been much better about that recently, and I know in the past when I’ve really stuck to that I’ve seen improvements perhaps not so much in my writing but in my ability to convey what it is that I’m trying to say. I often write just to sort out my own thoughts on a topic because I find myself running in circles when the discussion takes place solely in my head. So to some extent I use my blog as a sounding board, but I’d like to continue to refine and improve that so it’s really worth peoples time to come and read it.

I have a bunch I want to write about being here in Orlando for IZEAfest, but it’s way too much to throw into this post and that’s something I want to make sure I say exactly like it needs to be said. Needless to say I was conflicted about it on many levels going into it but I think it was more than worth it in the end. I’ll make the case for that soon and you can tell me if I’m full of shit or not. Or if I’m full of shit, but make a good point regardless.

That is just one thing I’m thinking about, amidst a swarm of others. You might have noticed I’ve been back and forth to SF a lot recently, and I think all signs point to that only increasing. This has me thinking a lot about the Multibasing idea again. Couple that with the fact that I just moved to a new (old) apartment myself in Los Angeles, it’s got me thinking a lot about the concept of home and what we all really need, really want, as well as what we often put up with in the quest for whatever it is we are looking for. I might be heading back to Tokyo soon too, and that may end up playing into this even more so expect some thoughts on all of that in the near future.

The over reaching thread in all of this is that it’s getting increasingly important to me that what I’m working on makes me happy, and is fulfilling to some extent, and that I feel like I’m making a difference somehow. This isn’t new, as most of you already know, but it’s getting magnified a lot which will either work out smashingly or, well, not. This applies to work and life – we don’t get any do overs here, we get one shot and need to make the most of it, and need to be able to look back at what we did and feel like it was worth it. At least I do.

So I got on the plane yesterday and was confronted with a screen that was less than working. Really. Pics on flickr too probe it. So after a. $40 cab ride from the orlando airport to my hotel I took another one to some mall and found an apple store and begge and pleaded for them to take it in and they did and with any luck it’ll be fixed before I fly out Monday. That said, I’m sans laptop until then an forced to do everything with my iPhone so well see how that works. This post is even being written with the iPhone WordPress app. Anyway, I might be forced to enjoy myself or something, and if I’m slower than usual to respond to something sorry in advance.